My dad was a cop. Mycroft’s dad was a cop. Hazel’s dad was a cop. Robb’s dad was a cop. See a pattern emerging?
I received a nasty email a few weeks ago by some numbnuts former cop who was, in essence, saying that I and my website should be shut down for talking bad about cops. I chose at that time not to report about it here since it seemed to be a case of one more jackass giving the good guys a black eye.
This bit here is what really caught my ear, then my eye, when I got home to look it up online:
The report said 77 transactions show officers bought more gas than the tanks of their city-issued cars could hold. In some cases, they bought twice as much as the fuel tank capacity.
Now, come on folks, we are all adults here. (Except for the aforementioned e-mailer, perhaps.) We are perfectly capable of figuring out what happened in the case of someone using their city-owned gas cards to overfill their city-owned cars. Obviously, the officer in question just spilled lots of gas on the ground, yeahhhh, that’s it. (And I’ve seen Morgan Fairchild naked.) There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that one of Tampa’s finest would ever misuse his gas card to say, fill up his wife’s car at the same time he did his patrol car. (Speaking of wives, did I ever tell you that Morgan Fairchild was my first wife, before Hazel? Yeahhhh.) There is no reason at all to suspect that shoddy accounting practices were left in place for years before this audit because it was a ‘perk’ of the job. (Speaking of perks, Morgan Fairchild has really perky breasts. I know because I’ve slept with her. That’s the ticket.)
Now, what have we learned from this story:
- Cops are always there to help you and wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of their position
- Bean counters are always looking for someone to blame, even forgetting to lay claim to thousands of dollars in tax credits
- Cop cars obviously run better on premium gas, despite what the manufacturer says
So, little bean counters, don’t try to tarnish the image of the fine officers for one more minute. No, sir. Forget about trying to assign blame for the two cases where the officers holding one of gas cards kept making purchases even after they left the force: that is obviously none of your business and easily explained. Forget about the fact that the key to the drawer locking the un-issued cards away was in fact kept in an unlocked drawer that just about any officer could access. Obviously that was merely an oversight by perhaps dozens of watch officers, shift commanders, or even maybe lieutenants and captains or the very chief of police. None of your concern whatsoever how they keep track of un-issued cards. Un-issued cards couldn’t possibly be used anyway because the police have logboks and everything. And finally, the impounded cars issue: do you have any idea how far trhe cops have to drive just to get the cars TO the impound lot? And, and, and, sometimes those cars are used as undercover cars, too. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
So, Mister Angry Retired Cop E-mailer Man, I hope that you can agree that I have been honest and forthright in my ‘reporting’ of this matter and have given perfectly plausible explanations for the problems with the audit of the Tampa Police Department’s gasoline expenditures.